Now What Do We Do!
by Fiaea
Summary: The Ultimate Anniversary Parody! Featuring all four Casts!


Original posting (1996/1997) -somewhere around there!

UPDATE: This was originally posted on ACS back in `96, `97. `Round the time of the 30thanniversary. Looking through my old files though, I found this, and thought that maybe todays version of FanFic writers and readers would enjoy reading it, as much as we enjoyed writing it! Let me know what you think, and maybe I'll take the time to reformat our other stories for all of you. :)   
  
  
  


"NOW WHAT DO WE DO!? The Ultimate Anniversary Parody" Featuring all four Casts! Even though you already know this, the crew, the ship, and all the techno difficulties, belong to Paramount, and Paramount alone (although we wouldn't mind a part of it!). But what we do with the crew, the strange positions we put them, and the technobabble we use to explain the techno difficulties, are ours and ours alone (although I'm sure Paramount wouldn't mind a part of it!). All audiences approved. So, Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride!

Written By: Elizabeth Peloso & Katherine Smith

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In this, the newest Voyager adventure from the writers of "Devotions and "Turn Of Events", All four Star Trek ships, and there crews.. Are thrown together through an inexplicable series of events... resulting in the most Hilarious Star Trek Adventure ever written... and the Ultimate Anniversary Parody! ENJOY!  


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Captain Janeway leaned back in her command chair. It was nice not to have to make any life- changing or sector-destroying decisions. There had been quite enough of that lately. In fact, she had gotten so sick of the repetitive plotlines that she had decided to annoy the writers by continually ignoring the Prime Directive, thereby frustrating their efforts to make her a stiff and unyielding character. 

Suddenly, B'Elenna called frantically over the intercom. "Captain, there is a wormhole opening up just below the ship and it's sucking us in!"

"Oh no! Not again!" Janeway thought, "Why can't they stop reusing old footage?" 

"Captain," Harry Kim turned to face her. "The wormhole had disappeared, but two ships and a space station have materialized in its place!"

"What! How can that be?" 

"It is actually a very simple astrophysical reaction." Tuvok put in his two gold-pressed latinum' 5 worth. "The extranenious mumbo-jumbo combines with the general isoliner matrix of the gobbledegook to form a whatchamacallit."

"Thank you, Tuvok, for that clear as mud explanation." Tom Paris spoke up. 

"That's enough, Tom," Janeway said firmly. When she turned back to Kim, Tuvok stuck out his tongue at Paris.

"They're hailing us, Captain." Harry squealed, "What do I do? I want my mama!" 

"Calm down." She ordered and began to search between the command seats for his blankie. "Open a channel, Mr. Kim. I can't find your blankie; hold your teddy bear instead."

"Channel open. I want my blankie now, now.. NOW!"   
  


Meanwhile, on the Starship Enterprise... "Keptin, there seems to be a change in the scenery." "You don't mean that they finally destroyed the inevitable papier-mache rock, do you?" 

"Nope, they have moved the stars around so you can't see the string attached to the top of the ship anymore!" 

"Wow! That is a change!" 

"Also, we seem to have traveled through some sort of hole in space." 

Jim Kirk whipped around to Sulu. "Can you get us out of here?" 

"Sorry, but every system broke down the minute we passed through the anomaly." 

"So, we're in some sort of dampening field, right." 

"No, we have a very cowardly ship." 

"Oh".   
  


At that moment, a British-accented, French voice floated over their heads. "Captain's Log, stardate 12345 point 678910. The Enterprise seems to have been dragged against her will through an unstable wormhole. Even though Counselor Troi assures me that she senses no hostile aliens, I'm very nervous and so have just finished my nineteenth cup of Earl Grey tea, hot."  
  


"What was that?" Kirk yelled, hopping on one foot. "I need answers, people!" 

"Captain," Came a calm and dignified voice form the corner, "I have an answer for you." 

"Great! I need to find and answer now!" 

"Captain, I already stated that I can solve the-."

"I know, Spock, but I need to find out for myself because I have a very dense head." He continued hopping around the bridge, occasionally grabbing onto female crew members, all the while talking to himself and jabbing his finger at the ceiling.

"Jim," Bones exited the turbolift and approached his captain, "What do you think you're doing, because I have no idea?" 

"These aliens might be hostile. I'm practicing telling them that they don't have the right to determine who should..." 

"Keptin," Chekhov interrupted, "I'm receiving a message from the weird, dustbuster-like ship. Our communications systems have reactivated just in time for the message, as usual." 

"ON SCREEN!" 

Captain Janeway appeared on the viewer. "This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Please identify yourselves so that we will know who you are before we blow you up." 

Kirk clapped his hands in child-like excitement. "It's another Star Fleet Captain, and she's a woman, too! Is this my lucky day or what ?" He ran to the turbolift. "Scotty," he called over the comm-panel, "Get those transporters working! I need to beam over to that ship!"   
  


On the space station Deep Space Nine, Captain Benjamin Sisko was pacing in Ops. His first officer, Kira, leaned calmly back in her chair, trying to relax. If she became too tense the sneezing fits began. "I don't believe this!" Sisko began, "How could this happen?" 

"Benjamin," Dax said, entering Ops, "Odo has finished checking the station. There was no breach of security in you quarters." 

"Then who stole my ball?" 

Chief O'Brian popped up from behind an equipment panel. "The replicators, air-conditioning, and power-steering have blown up again. I'm going to have to disconnect the dishwasher and replace the circuit breaker."

"Then, by all means, Chief, do what you need to do. But under no circumstances are you to unplug the coffee maker. I'm under enough stress today as it is. I need my coffee." 

"Of course, Sir." Suddenly, all of the irritation Cardassian klaxons went off. 

"What is it now, Old Man?" Sisko asked. 

"The station is being dragged into the wormhole, Benjamin, but the general isoliner matrix of the gobbledegook has changed. There are usually three hundred and sixty-four unbirthdays in the wormhole, but now there is no reason to cheer because there are only twenty-two unbirthdays in it now."

"What does that mean in English, Dax?" Kira asked confusedly. 

O'Brian's muffled voice came up from under a panel. "It means that we're not going to end up in the Gamma Quadrant, where we keep going even though every time we do the Jem'Hadar attack us and kill some poor, redshirted ensign at Conn. 

"Oh," she replied, "That's not a very good sign, is it? I can't tell because we never needed to know how to add, let alone do temporal mechanics, when we were fighting in the Bajorian foothills."

"It means," O'Brian spoke up again, "That we don't know where the station is going. And, NO, that's not a good sign at all." 

Dax looked up and then activated the viewscreen. "Benjamin," she murmured as a hush fell over Ops, "Tell me that I'm not seeing Voyager, the Enterprise D and the original Enterprise." 

"Why don't you want me to tell you that?"

"Because I'm not allowed to associate with half of the known galaxy because I'm a Trill. Both of the Enterprises figure into that half. One of my five thousand six hundred and forty-two million hosts served aboard the original Enterprise and then I fell in love with the Doctor on the Enterprise D, Beverly Crusher. That was back before the WONDERFUL WRITERS had fully decided what a Trill was. Do you understand?"

"No," Julian Bashir said, "But then, that's why I'm so wild about you." 

"Not on the bridge, Bashir," Sisko reprimanded him. He ran over to hide behind O'Brian. "Save me from the big, bad, scary man!" 

"Don't touch that!" O'Brian yelled, "Its purpose is so inexplicable that it'd take the rest of the story just to explain!"

" Oh." Just then, the Enterprise D floated gracefully by the viewport.   
  


Aboard the ship, Captain Jean-Luc Picard stood stiffly in front of the viewscreen, his eyes on the ships and space station before him. "It's Voyager!, Deep Space Nine!, and the original Enterprise!. What a surprise! Do you think they might like some wine?" 

"Jean-Luc," Beverly Crusher laid a hand on his shoulder, "I don't think this is a good time to advertise your vineyards and wine." 

"I suppose not. I'm going to hail them. Mr. Worf, open a channel to all the ships-oh! And the space station."

"A True warrior does not merely open a channel, he blasts it." 

"Fine, Mr.Worf, blast a channel open to all of them." 

"Aye sir. Kaboom'!!!" he roared 

" I am captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Please respond by telling me who you are because I want to see if you know, because I already do." 

Captain Janeway responded first. "Jean-Luc!" She smiled, "It's been a long time. Say, oh, four seasons or so."

"It's good to see you, too, Kathryn." 

Wesley began to make kissy noises. He and Data began to sing, "Picard and Janeway sitting in a tree, K- I- S- S- I- N ..." 

"What was that, Wesley? Mr.Data?" 

"Nothing, Sir, " They said in unison, then began to giggle. 

"How did your ship get here?" 

"Well," Picard answered, "My Chief Engineer has been working on the problem for the last five seconds and now thinks he has a solution." 

"Captain," LaForge began, "I believe that some quirk of television and someone's twisted sense of humor have brought our ships, oh yeah... and space station, together . . ."   
  


While Geordi was attempting to explain his idea in simple, one-syllable words, Kirk beamed onto Voyager. 

"Come here, my Darling, I haven't ever made love to someone from thirty years in the future who was as beautiful as you." Janeway, annoyed by his uninvited presence on her ship, decked him (quite literally) with on swipe. 

The three other crews, as well as her own, began to applaud. Yeoman Rand from the Enterprise spoke up. "I've been longing to do that for years. Thanks!" 

"Anytime."   
  


Soon after, all four captains agreed to allow their engineers to confer and work together in order to make a major advance in reshaping the matter and configuration of the universe. Scotty, Geordi, O'Brian and B'Elenna sat in the conference room , all talking at once. 

"If we reconfigure the diliniar..." 

"But that would blow the-"

"I know, but I think that the situation is worth the risk." 

"I da' know. My engines canna' take the strain. They're already pushed ta' the maximum." 

"The station's coffee maker might give out. The captain would kill me...." 

"I know the feeling...." B'Elanna chipped in. 

"... And if the lights go out one more time, Quark said that he's gonna' start renting beds in his bar, if you know what that means." 

"My Klingon side wants to blow up the whole thing, but my Human side says that it isn't really too bad here. Besides, there's a really cute security officer on the Enterprise D." 

"Well, Geordi, it's up to you. Do we realize the diliniar matrix of the plotline, or do we attempt a total author bypass and write the ending ourselves?""

"I have another option."

And so the deliberations went on and on and on. After about the third week, Janeway finally interrupted. 

"We need an answer now, people." 

"Keptin, We have an answer for ye." 

"Good, What is it?"

"Do nothing."

"What!?!"

"This story has to end sometime and the author's hand is getting tired. So, she's probably going to return us to our proper places and times anyway," Geordi interrupted.

"Besides," O'Brian added, " We've already reconfigured the universe twice this month. We don't want to overdo it." 

Suddenly, O'Brian, Scotty and Geordi disappeared. 

"What's happening?" Janeway yelped. "Bridge, hail the ships and station." 

"Captain," Kim replied, "They've disappeared! I want my mommy and my clarinets!" 

"It's under the command chairs in the purple box with the crayons." She said patiently. 

On the bridge, Chakotay wandered over to her. 

"We've been left behind again," he said. 

"I know, Commander, but if we ever return home, two bad things will happen." 

"What two things?" 

"First of all, the show would be over." 

"True. And second?" 

"Secondly, I would have to fall back in love with Mark, instead of a certain commander who I know." 

"Oh. That is a very good reason."   
  
  
  


THE END (OR IS IT...........) Evil Grin 


End file.
